Sunday, August 3, 2014

Shards of Me, Part 1

Well, this past month has been a hard one on me. Very little has gone the way I'd hoped, but God is using all the hurt to teach me to lean on Him and His understanding. To except that even my best laid plans and intentions don't hold a candle to His. Even as I want to kick and scream and have things 'my way', He is teaching me to let go of the people and the stories on my heart and let Him take care of them all. The truth is, that I know He can care for them better than I can, as hard as that is to accept.

Someone I love dearly told me recently that I am very self-centered person, as they walked out of my life. I really can't argue against that. There is a lingering piece of the old me that is self-centered and foolish enough to think that I can protect my loved ones. I grew up believing that I had to, that it was my job, my purpose, to protect my loved ones from anything and everything that might harm them. Even themselves, as pretentious as I'm sure that sounds. If I had my way, everyone would learn from my numerous screw ups and never have to go through them themselves. But, thankfully I'm not God. As much as I hate to see any of them struggle or hurt, I can't walk anyone else's path for them.

By God's mercy, He's given me enough wisdom to know that only He can save them. And when I find myself struggling with that, His prods are never far behind, saying 'Hush and be still. They are Mine, not yours.' Proud, stubborn, and over-protective I might be, but He's working on me.

But the depression I've been struggling with lately didn't start with that. No, it's been ever since I decided that I would write my books as offerings to God, to reach out to others. Not that I didn't have bouts of depression before that, but it's gotten much worse. It's gotten bad enough that I've started to associate writing itself with misery. July's Camp Nano was a bust to say the least.

When I start thinking about writing, or doing anything for God, the father of lies starts whispering in my ear and the next thing I know, I'm caught up in loop of anxiety, self-doubt, and depression. One of his biggest and most frequently used lies is that I'm too broken, comparing me to other christian authors and those in ministry, saying that if I don't have my life 'together' like they seem to, no one will listen. Sadly, I tend to be convinced. As I told this to my friends, I got a lot of good, common sense and support, but the words that stuck were from a fairly new friend: "We minister not with fullness.We minister in the midst of our brokenness."

So, in the midst of my brokenness, I'm going to do something a bit different. Since there is little point in pretending that I have my life together, I'm going to share my journey with God with you all. Where I struggle, what I learn, and how it's changing the mess that is me. Is it 'professional'? Probably not, but there is so much more I feel I can say by being personal and real, rather than by being distant and putting on a happy face for the sake of being professional. Besides, I'd rather make friends of the people in my audience, instead of just 'potential customers'. Questions are welcomed, if any of you have any. You may not like everything you find out about me, but all I can say is that God is working on me.

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